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T.G.I.T.T.C.B

In case you are wondering that stands for “Thank God It’s The Times Comments Board”. In the good old days of early blogging when online newspapers merely reproduced their daily content without a hint of interactivity it was a J’accuse pastime to pick on the weak and deserving – famous among which was the Dame of the Grammatically Incorrect a.k.a. Lorna Vassallo.

Our TGIL section (Thank God It’s Lorna for the uninitiated) flourished in accordance with the Dame’s latest outbursts. Nowadays, thanks to the democratisation of the comment boards – what with online papers vying for the biggest goof allowed to splatter his thoughts to all and sundry under a fitting pseudonym, the sport is a bit like shooting on the Red Cross.

Be that as it may, it does not mean that some sport may not be had with the more prolific of commentators (who incidentally persist in arrogating the moniker of “Bloggers” to their thick selves). Where better to begin than the arduous Frans A. Said from the Times? Here he is commenting on the court hearing of the hit-and-run case in Qawra. We accord him the Lorna Treatment (i.e. my bracketed comments in red).

 

Mr FRANS H SAID

Today, 15:37

I am a frequent visitor to the said area (said area being Qawra – Frans does stick to the Rumpole of the Old Bailey style of writing in order to feel more self-satisfied and pompous when he presses send). Excessive speed is the order of the day (Għamillu Excessive Speed bil-bajd u bacon), any time of the day (Qawra – the city that never slows down). Black exhaust is part of the idyllic scene (decide man – is it idyllic or is it full of black exhaust? Would Manet or Monet have painted Black Exhaust into their landscapes to give it that “idyllic touch”? Et In Qawra Ego). Excessive radio and silencers, but our police are deaf. (This one is worthy of a Lorna Vassallo Prize – the cumulative effort of trying to complain about too many things at once has the effect of nullifying Frans’ argument. Picture (a) Excessive Radio: What is that exactly? Like too many stereos strewn on the kerb? Is he asking for the deliberalisation of the radio waves? (B) Excessive Silencers: Again. Thinking before typing might help Frans. Is this a car that has 20 silencers? If it does, doesn’t it make it very silent? I know he probably means pimped silencers that make more noise but hey who am I to get into Frans Said’s head?And finally (c) the police are deaf: Sorry? Somebody has swallowed an excessive dose of stupid pills today. Let us begin by saying that if the force has decided to become an equal opportunities employer then so be it. But here the complaint seems to be linked – the fact that all the non-sensical phrases combine to one sentence make is a pointer. So checklist time: (a) excessive radio (Bad) (b) excessive silencers (still mysteriously bad) = Conclusion : BUT THE POLICE ARE DEAF. As an illiterate Maltese once asked his English private lessons teacher: because?)

Parking on handicapped slots (OK So Frans is angry but bear with me. What exactly is a handicapped slot? Is it a wrongly painted parking space – a trapezoid parallelogram perhaps?) , but the wardens only appear like rats and disappear again. (And if handicapped slots were not enough, here comes the Gunter Grass of Maltese bloggers (sic). The warden is a rat. Discuss. Does the problem consist of the fact that the warden is a rat (the bastard) or that he disappears (may I point out that the disappearance is repetitive – hence the need to append the word “again” to the end of an already useless sentence).
It is in places like these that speed cameras are required not on the Burmarrad Road (what if they do both frans?). But the Local Council can earn more from Burmarrad than in high tourist areas (the King of Non-Sequiturs. Again we are having problems visualising some of the concepts. What is a High Tourist Area? Is it like a High Elf in Tolkien’s world? Do they walk on stilts? Or is the area itself on some form of plateau?)

But who cares (Delirium sets in just as he was getting hot. He’s tired now and has lost the “question mark” key on his keyboard). The parents do not, as otherwisde they would have hidden the car keys (I’m dying here. The caring parent hides the car keys. Should I really comment?) Who bought such an expensive car/ (Who indeed? The rant against handicapped slots, deaf policemen, excessive radios, excessive silencers, misplaced speed cameras and high tourist areas ends in a very investigative non-sequitur: who bought such an expensive car. Frans’ levels of exhaustion have reached their climax. The question (that gets a slash instead of a point of interrogation) is probably prefaced and followed by a million thoughts that did not find their erratic way from overheated brain to question-mark deficient keyboard. Sadly we’ll never know where the final rhetoric came from).

Finally, do not worry, eventually he will get a suspended sentence, his driving licence (which in any case he does not possess) will be suspended for a few months, and Bob’s your uncle. (What? Me? Worry? No driving licence to suspend and yet Frans thinks it will be suspended. He had to add the “Bob’s your uncle” at the end of the letter. The phrase is currently vying with that other all time favourite “tell it to the marines” as the most uselessly overused phrase among Maltese commentators.)

This has been J’accuse deciphering Frans Said so you don’t have to.

Q. What do you tell a deaf policeman in Qawra who is helping a rat warden issue a ticket to the man who has just spread more radios and silencers across the road?

A. Tell him anything. He can’t hear you.

 

Dak li l-Lejl

Last night, Merlin’s flagship author Pierre Mejlak launched his latest collection of short stories entitled “dak li l-lejl iħallik tgħid” (“what the night lets you say”). The event was held in the sumptuous settings of Mdina’s Palazzo Falson – a jewel in Malta’s heritage crown and will surely be registered as an all-round success by the organisers. Merlin has hit on a winning formula that is a combination of finding worthy texts, packaging them in an exciting wrapping and creating an aura of anticipation around them. In doing so it may be leading the way to the rediscovery of Maltese literature by an ever widening audience.

Marketing ploys may spice up the look, feel and spin of a literature piece but the proof of the pie is in the eating. Whether you are leaving the magnificent setting of Palazzo Falson or walking out of your bookshop of choice with book in hand, there is only so much that the package can sell (and it has gone some way in doing so by getting to buy the book). The list of deserved praises that Mejlak’s previous works have attracted might tickle the fancy of a first-time reader but there’s no better selling point than the wonderful weaving of ideas and words that is Pierre’s imagination set to paper.

The moment you start reading a story of Pierre’s you switch off from reality and follow the author’s melodic pan pipe into the realm of fantasy. In pIerre’s case, the elaborate insights of an observant narrator combine to provide a simple, unputtdownable text that transforms the mundane into an attractive fun-fair. You willingly join the Pied Piper for the ride and enjoy every single word of it.

Minor spoiler alert: the next paragraphs contain hints of the first story without revealing the plot.

I confirmed this feeling with the Prelude and first story (“l-ambaxxatriċi”) last night. Pierre promised, Pierre delivered. (I’m quite sure he’d deny the promising bit but he will definitely smile half-shyly at the delivery stage). For the story about the lady ambassador, Pierre has ventured to the Europe of Mitterand, Spadolini and Platini – and his characters now roam the corridors of the Elysée as happily as they did the piazzas of Qala and Nadur.

The storyline pushes the suspension of belief to its limits – toeing the fine line between credibility and fisherman’s lies – until you notice that the narrator is not desperately marketing the latest twisted truth but is actually conniving with you, the reader, in awe and appreciation at how quickly an elaborately designed story served someone else a dual purpose. And the moment you actually reach the end of Pierre’s Archer-like tale you are at one with the narrator’s observation … this time gazing angrily at a coffin.

Objective achieved : you thank the narrator for the ride and eagerly turn the page for a ticket on the next rollercoaster ride in a very, very colourful and unpredictable playground.

Two-thumbs up. Again.

One for nottebrava:

imagine 18 revisited

And this is where I continue from yesterday’s post. As I was saying (at some point) my biggest worry in this kind of events is that the “culture” crowd gets a little toy and keeps it to itself for a few events that would be deemed “arty-farty”. I am sure that this is not my concern alone but also that of the organisers – it was evident from some of the Monday presentations that they were assessing how to involve more and more people in this festival of all that is art.

Having lived through Luxembourg’s experience of European Cultural Capital (2007) I can see the first-hand benefits to be had to a whole cultural landscape. Luxembourg has been on a massive growth curve in terms of the general culture scene. It does have the added advantage of being part of a “Greater Region” that includes French Lorraine, German Rheinland-Pfalz and to a lesser extent Belgian Luxembourg. Initiatives in Luxembourg may have a wider catchment reaching out to these areas too but the benefits of 2007’s experience remain very local.

I’d like to expand on the village festa and village space concept, especially after Liz’s comment on yesterday’s post. What I meant when comparing “invasion” with “relation” was exactly what Liz emphasised. The village set-up built around organising mass scale events involving the whole population is there to be nurtured not radically changed. Liz echoed my thoughts when she said that the festa people might do with some inspiration to switch from tombola mode and explore new options of entertainment that might be deemed more “culture-worthy” by the snob among us.

Echternach in Luxembourg has the funny-walking march (dancing procession) on the occasion of the feast of Saint Willibrod attracting thousands of pilgrims/tourists to the area. The Limburg carnivals are a huge festival of celebration in the catholic “enclaves” of the Netherlands that turn out to be a massive street party along the canals of Maas for example complete with beer fests, food fests and shopping extravaganza. But we know this don’t we?

We also might have heard of the light show that illuminates Strasbourg’s immense cathedral in summer. We already have a series of summer “festivals” of our own in Valletta and beyond so there’s not much to learn there either. So what can Valletta 18 do that we are not doing already?

I’d suggest, as a first idea, to pilfer the TED format even further. Is there a Ministry building, a department, a hangar or something somewhere in Valletta (I’d bank on Strait Street) that can become a permanent workshop for Valletta 18? I’d turn it into a regular appointment for the business, art and political community. A stage, a powerpoint system, (some fans or aircon would be swell), chairs, coffee bar and bob’s your uncle. Imagine a weekly appointment at 7pm for two or three speakers to give 8 to 10 minute presentations and open the floor for discussion.

Create the thinking space. Give Valletta a brain. Let it build itself into a thinking city. The subjects could be anything – just like TED – so long as they could be linked to Valletta. Ideas about events, ideas about performances, transport, linking, networking…. how about it then?

imagine 18 impressions

Yesterday I was in Valletta for the opening of the imagine18 Conference & Workshops organised by the Malta Council for Culture and Arts in order to prepare for Valletta’s bid to be the European Capital of Culture in seven years’ time. The event was held in the sumptuous surroundings of the Manoel Theatre and was by open invitation. Anybody interested in contributing ideas to the bid could register and attend. Unfortunately I could not make it to the workshops this morning which makes me quite a passive attendee. On the other hand, J’accuse being J’accuse, we could not resist a little brainstorming exercise that resulted from yesterday’s sessions. The points are in no particular order and use twitter-ish convention… but here goes…

  • @organisers – great move to kick off in the insiprational setting, set the tone of seriousness balanced with casual exchange of ideas in TED style
  • the biggest question running persistently through my mind as the first presentations went by was : Who is this for? I got the feeling you get when you are having a bath and let your head go underwater … and start to hear the muffled noises get further and further away. Was Malta’s “cultured” crowd about to embark on another fancy trip of navel-gazing? Is there an audience for culture with a capital “C”‘ Should we be looking for it?
  • @toniattard invited people to start networking from now. In Malta? Do they really need to? Don’t they know enough of/about each other already? Will we be repackaging the current “culture crowd” and standards for the sake of the bid or will the (what I deem necessary) reinvention of cultural approaches be the happy result of this bid.
  • @adrianmamo culture is about recognising what we are and where we come from. Definitely. How to fit this into the @creativity works concept will be interesting.
  • the festa and village breeding crowd of malta’s equivalent of “popular culture” must be nurtured not invaded. The bandisti and the village space that is celebrated mostly at festa time must be recognised as a building block. When @toni put up a photo to represent Malta’s 71 theaters it was a photo of Gozo’s two main theaters – Astra and Aurora. No surprise there. Gozo has long built it’s cultural milieu around the civic conscience of its citizens. It may be time to ditch any snobbish attitudes towards this manner of expanding culture – centred around the kazin tal-banda, the pjazza and yes, the enemy of the liberals (?) the catholic church in its social vestige. “Modern” culture must be prepared to relate and not invade into this cultural breeding ground that works. Take the fireworks and package them well. You might even get a colourful success out of them.
  • I have a socialist twitch whenever I see culture being thought of in terms of revenue. €4m here and €4 there IS important but is that the only way we can sell this idea? I can guess that roping in politicians requires a bit of this too but surely there is a value in culture that goes beyond euros and cents?

I’m running short of time right now. Got more bullets to write later…. click back this evening for more.

 

imagine 18 on maltainsideout

Sfegatati

We’re in our 7th year of blogging and the fourth one of our Sunday column and we like to think that J’accuse has had a rather consistent “editorial line” throughout this time. When I started blogging I chose “la verité si je mens” as a sort of motto for J’accuse. “The truth, if I lie” is an apparent contradiction picked up from a social commentary comedy film by the same name that pictures the world of the “tunsian-jews”. We later appended another motto – “ludendo castigat mores” – he makes light of serious values. I still like to believe that J’accuse remains an outlet of personal opinion and commentary on current events and beyond.

Dedicated readers will have noticed that my position on national politics is one that insists on the importance of proper representation and as a corollary points out the inadequacies and drawbacks of the bipartisan grasp on local politics. In other words we dish out deserved criticism to whoever falls within the line of fire of our argument. It is with huge disappointment that I still find that my blog is seen as a vehicle of “the PN” or “the PL” by some parts of the reading world. There could be a reinforcement of my original thesis here since anyone who is groomed to think in PLPN terms will only be able to be “hurt” by criticism of “his party” without seeing the wider picture of why the criticism is there in the first place (and by ignoring the fact that the criticism is meted out to other parties too).

The latest manifestation of the pigeonholing of J’accuse into “the other side” (a relative term) was on Saturday’s l-orizzont. A geezer by the name of Joe Fava had this to say:

Dan il-fatt lampanti, jiġifieri li llum GonziPN tilef kull nitfa ta’ kredibbiltà huwa aċċettat minn kulħadd. Saħansitra anke opinjonisti anti-Laburisti sfegatati bħal dak li fil-ġurnal The Malta Independent on Sunday, l-għaxqa tiegħu jakkuża b’kull malformità politika lill-PL u biex jikkopja lill-awtur famuż Franċiż Emile Zola jintitola l-kontribuzzjoni tiegħu J’accuse (jien nakkuża), kellu kontra qalbu jistqarr li l-opinjoni pubblika tant irriġettat lil GonziPN u tant qiegħda temmen lil Joseph Muscat, li kieku xi ħadd jgħid li Joseph Muscat ivvinta t-‘toaster’ u l-‘washing machine’, jemmnuh ukoll!

Whatever drugs this guy is taking should be distributed freely to the sad and bored of the land. J’accuse is not an anti-laburist, nor is it an anti-nazzjonalist. It is anti-bipartisan opiates. Incidentally Joe we acknowledge openly the Zola inspiration and we like to say that we are not copying the words but the spirit of J’accuse. It is evident that you have not noticed how the fact that the people are currently in gullible mode with regards to Muscat was not a complement nor a grudging acknowledgement. It was part of a wider argument that claimed that Muscat has gained such trust (if trust it is) through deceit and abdication of political responsibility.

Sfegatati we may be. But our tireless quest is the age old one shared by philosophers of old and young thinkers of new. As some friends commented on facebook there are good conclusions to be drawn out of this. Two in particular:

1. if ‘re getting it from both sides it means you’re doing something right! (M. Tortell)
2. There are worse things in life Jacques!! … Either one of them could be calling you ‘friend’… (C. Cassar Torregiani)

Q.E.D.

Unplanned

ARRIVA is due to launch the new nationwide transport system on the 3rd of July this year. Drivers are being trained, fares have been calculated and new routes have been on the drawing board for quite some time now. While the size and type of transition will justify glitches along the way there is an irritating feel to the kind of transitional glitches that have surfaced recently. Two of them in particular:

1. The Bisazza Street gaffe: The man who would love to seem to be the brains behind the scenes a.k.a Manuel Delia of the Austin Gatt ministry (and PN candidate to be) explained that the detour around newly pedestrianised Bisazza Street would throw Arriva’s intelligent information system out of the window. As pathetic excuses go this one takes the ticket. Even the online commentators on the Times – not usually the best measure for spontaneous bursts of intelligent remarks – pointed out that an intelligent system does not get “thrown out of the window” every time there is a deviation.

It then transpires that, based on the agreement negotiated by Manuel Delia’s government with Arriva, the transport company will be entitled to compensation every time government works will oblige it to reroute. If we were to take the Times reporting as a fact then it would seem that such compensation is only due in the case of permanent rerouting:

The contract also lays down a formula for compensation under which a re-routing of this nature* will have to take place. This is calculated by multiplying distance by frequency, with the latter being the crucial element in this case. (…) Meanwhile, Mr Delia said rumours that councils would have to pay some form of compensation to Arriva for closing a road off temporarily were “complete rubbish”. In such cases, councils should inform Transport Malta of the planned closure which would in turn inform Arriva, who would tell its customers accordingly, he said.

*we are not told what “of this nature” really means and are assuming it is “permanent”

So in a country where roadworks are the norm – blockages almost a standard and government planning as controlled as a Brighton Beach Party – we have a government that ties this kind of clause into a contract. At least there is always the Resources Ministry to blame if the government is obliged to pay compensation for a Transport Ministry sanctioned contract. (see ADDENDUM) The left hand blaming the right anyone? So Mr. Delia… I guess what with all the lovely clauses you negotiated you also have one explaining to the taxpayer why he must cover the bill for your half-arsed planning.

2. The Bus Driver Shortage. And since bus drivers are not in great abundance it seems that the Transport Authority is having difficulties finding bus drivers to run the current system since many drivers are off training at ARRIVA.

As the yellow buses struggle to keep the public transport service running, with drivers being taken up for training by the new operator, Transport Malta has stepped in to ease the burden by helping with dispatching. (Times)

You cannot really blame ARRIVA can you? Then again.. what were they thinking?

3. Fare’s Fair?

Unless I am completely mistaken the fare business seems to have been settled. ARRIVA will be going ahead with the resident/non-resident distinction as the tiny disclaimer at the foot of the FARES page will show you:

*All the fares shown above are discounted Adult fares for Malta ID card holders.  To take advantage of these fares you must carry your ID card when travelling.  Full fare information for non-residents, as well as concessionary fare details, can be accessed here.

There is also the ARRIVA SAVER card that will require you to download and print a form, trundle off to the POST office (33 available branches), pay a €5 administration fee and choose between a 30 and 90 day top up.To be fair it seems that online top ups are in the pipeline. Still… this will not be the last that we hear on discrimination on basis of residence.

Interestingly there is this disclaimer regarding Gozitans or what seem to be the Maltese who carry an ID with an address in Gozo to save on the Gozo Ferry fee…

Please note, the Arriva Saver Card can be used in Malta only – unless when applying the customer can produce a relevant Malta ID card with a Gozo address, in which case they can also use their Saver Card for travel in Gozo.

I cannot understand this one. Is it telling me I cannot use the card in Gozo for buses in Gozo? What else can you have if not a Malta ID card? What kind of difference/distinction/discriminatory condition is “a relevant Malta ID card with a Gozo address”? This seems to me a very convoluted way of justifying the double-insularity exception for Gozo (the same one that allows Gozo Channel to “discriminate” fees). It would probably have been easier for two companies to have been formed ARRIVA MALTA and ARRIVA GOZO – each with their separate ticketing system. But hey… who am I to know?

ADDENDUM: In a MaltaToday report we read the following:

It turns out that it was only on 21 April – five months after Transport Malta signed the agreement with Arriva – that the Ministry for Resources and Rural Affairs asked Transport Malta to consider the complete pedestrianisation of Bisazza Street. This meant the decision to have a fully pedestrianised street was left up until too late for any changes to the Arriva contract.

Which might seem to be a saving point for the negotiators of the contract. Sure, until you realise that this will (probably) not be the last time the government (and yes, it’s useless pointing fingers at separate ministries) will decide to restructure the urban landscape. The timing of THIS pedestrianisation is not as much to blame as the clause that allows for compensation for rerouting in certain circumstances.