FVRIA NERA (BDS)

Ir redattioni tal Bollettino Della Sfiga ghandha piacir thabbar edittioni speciali ta’ FVRIA NERA, l-organu officiali tal-iscuadra storica Deportivo Estudiantes. Jinghad illi id-Deportivo Estudiantes huma l-echdem scuadra fil-ligg tal-futsal Malti u li dauna mincheiia li huma scuadra di natura amatoriali jiehdu il-loghba tal-ballun bl-achbar serietà. Gara illi il-gimgha l-ohra plejer tal-iscuadra naqas milli jattendi loghba tal-11-a-side contra il-famigerati Valencia XI u li ghalhecc id-Deportivo tilphu bi score ta’ sitt gowls bi tlieta. Hunhecc ched nirriproducu is-sententia mill-bord tal-Autoritaiet li inharget contra il-famigerat scariota illi halla l-iscuadra minghair portier ghall-loghba. – Gakbu Sfi*o (Testata Sportiva BDS)

IKUN JAF KULĦADD KIF ISEGWI

DEPORTIVO ESTUDIANTES F.C.C.Q.

PROĊEDURA TA’ DIXXIPLINA

24 ta’ Lulju, 2010

Ġie imressaq quddiem l-awtoritajiet tax-xirka ċertu  MARK PAUL BRIFFA, minn xi nies magħruf bħala “Craxi”, ta’ tnejn u tletin sena, ġuvni, residenti is-Swieqi, u dan iż-żagħżugħ ġie mixli kif isegwi:-

Talli fit-22 ta’ Lulju, 2010, u fi ġranet preċedenti, irrenda ruħu ħati ta’ nuqqas ta’ ħeġġa lejn l-interess suprem tax-xirka, billi ma attendiex għal logħba futbol 11-a-side ġewwa l-Luxol Grounds, Saint Andrews, minkejja li kien ingħata debitu u koerenti preavviż;

Ukoll talli fl-istess jiem huwa irrenda ruħu ħati ta’ negliġenza gravissima lejn ix-xirka, dana billi naqas li jagħti avviż dwar il-fatt li ma kienx ser jattendi, b’mod illi, bil-komportament tiegħu, ikkomprometta ir-riżultat tal-partita (kontra ix-xirka, naturalment);

Intalab illi l-istess mixli:

1.     jiġi skwalifikat għal għomru minn kull logħob tal-futbol, kemm max-xirka kif ukoll ma kwalunkwe persuni oħra, inklużi oratorji u lanqas fit-triq jew fl-ispjaġġja b’ballun tal-plastika jew supertele;

2.     jiġi bastonat mija u tlettax –il darba fuq iż-żewġ irkobbtejh ‘biex jitgħallem’ kif ukoll ħalli żgur ikollu jottempera mal-ewwel kundanna;

3.     jiġi mirfus minn truck tal-ġebel, concrete mixer, jew inġenju ieħor ta’ mhux inqas minn żewġ tunnellati, meħuda kura li ma jmutx waqt l-istrapazz u li jkun konxju il-ħin kollu, mhux bi ħniena imma sabiex l-istat ta’ velja u ta’ luċidità tiegħu jippermettulu li jesperjenza l-eqqel ħruxijiet tat-tbatija b’mod l-aktar parteċipi;

4.     peress li huwa goalkeeper, prevja in-nomina ta’ esperti Rumeni għal tali għan, jgħaddi minn taħt idejn il-“Metodu Helmut Ducadam” b’mod illi jinkisrulu is-swaba’ kollha ta’ idejh it-tnejn b’konvalexxenza neċessarja ta’ mhux inqas minn disa’ xhur, kif ukoll illi għal tali perjodu jinżamm forzozament ġewwa kantina, bir jew x’imkien ieħor umdu ħalli ma jonqosx li jibda jbati mill-osteoporożi;

5.     jiġu konfiskati mill-pussess tiegħu il-flokkijiet kif ukoll ix-shorts kollha tad-Deportivo Estudiantes;

6.     ismu jiġi ikkanċellat mill-kotba u l-annali tad-Deportivo Estudiantes u kull fejn kien jirrikorri tali isem, minnflok jinkitbu l-kliem “dak il-ġarra l…, li kien goaler imma li tneħħilu ismu għax ħareġ ta’ p…..a”;

7.     naturalment ukoll, ma jiġix mistieden għall-attivitajiet soċjali tax-xirka, għal liema kull meta dawn iseħħu, irid ikun iktar ’il bogħod minn djametru ta’ erba’ kilometri minn fejn tkun qegħda tinżamm l-attività, sew jekk festiva, sew jekk ta’ dieqa.

Bl-ispejjeż tal-proċess u tal-ħruxijiet konsegwenti.

Evalwati il-fatti tal-każ, jirriżulta is-segwenti:

Id-Deportivo dejjem kellu diffikultà kbira biex isib goalkeepers suret in-nies, alemu sa livell aċċettabbli għall-aspirazzjonijiet internazzjonali tal-istess “club”.

Minkejja ħafna tfittxijiet, kellu jirripjega fuq l-imputat u jużah għal ħafna logħbiet, fejn, ikollu jiġi ammess, ma ikkomportax ruħu ħażin, apparti l-fatt illi wera “distribution skills” ekwivalenti għal vending machine fid-dockyard fil-bidu tas-snin tmenin.

Dawn l-attivitajiet komplew għaddejjin għal tul ta’ snin.

Fis-sena 2010, ix-xirka bi pjaċir, mal-“cricket”, il-futbol, u il-quiz żiedet ukoll skwadra tal-11-a-side, u bdiet tniedi logħbiet kontra timijiet organizzati mill-perfidissimu Valenzia, illi l-“average age” tal-iskwadi tiegħu tinżel b’erba’ snin kull logħba waqt illi id-difiża tad-Deportivo tant hi antika li għadha tgerger fuq kemm ma ħariġx ta’ raġel Napuljun meta ġie Malta, u kemm hu qasir.

Fl-11-a-side, l-importanza tal-goalkeeper hija naturalment waħda nevralġika, il-lasta hija kbira u l-ħsad huwa ftit.

Il-mixli ġie avżat kemm –il darba dwar id-data, il-ħin u il-lok tal-logħba.

Il-mixli però ma weġibx għad-diversi talbiet lilu magħmula, kemm permezz ta’ korrispondenza elettronika kif ukoll bil-metodu tal-sms, mhux biss, imma fil-jum tal-partita kellha tkun telefonata mix-xirka stess illi wasslet għar-rivelazzjoni skarjotika li l-imputat ma kienx ġej għal-logħba, għal liema oltraġġ lanqas ingħatat spjegazzjoni.

Kieku ingħatat spjegazzjoni valida, bħal per eżempju, serata galanti, l-imputat  seta’ (forsi) jibbenefika minn xi skonti ta’ piena, imma dana ma ġarax.

L-aġir tal-imputat huwa bil-wisq aggravat mill-fatt illi ir-risposta waslet tant tard fiż-żmien, b’mod illi allura ma setgħux jiġu użufruwiti opzjonijiet oħra jew bniedem kwalsiasi li għandu nofs talent ta’ goaler, dana naturalment għax kien tard wisq.

Bħala konsegwenza diretta tal-aġir tal-imputat, id-Deportivo qala’ xejn inqas minn sitt goals, dana għaliex il-persuni li alternaw ruħhom b’abnegazzjoni bejn il-lasti assolutament ma kellhomx idea ta’ “goalkeeping” u del resto wieħed ma jippretendix li jkollhom għaliex jaqdu dmirhom f’partijiet oħra tal-“pitch”.

Irriżulta wkoll minn sorsi informati u attendibbli li ir-raġuni għaliex l-imputat ma attendiex kienet addirittura laqgħa tar-Round Table, jew xi entità simili.

Ma hemmx għalfejn jingħad, imma xorta ser jingħad, illi dan il-fatt jaggrava ħafna l-posizzjoni tal-imputat, u il-Kumitat ta’ Dixxiplina ħaseb ħafna dwar il-possibilità illi il-piena tkun attwalment eħrax minn dik mitluba (f’dawn il-proċeduri, dana jista’ jsir).

Bħala liġijiet u regolamenti applikabbli, apparti is-sens komun, hemm biss l-istatut, illi jaqra testwalment hekk:

STATVT

ID “DEPORTIVO ESTUDIANTES” HIJA SCIRCA SPORTIVA U CULTURALI IMNEDIA MINN ANTONIO TUFIGNO U JAMES BANNISTER, FEIN JIDDECIDU COLLOSC DEJJEM HUMA U HUMA BISS.

FIRMAT:

ANTONIO TUFIGNO                                                                                                     JAMES BANNISTER

L-imputat ma ressaq ebda prova in difiża in vista tal-akkużi miġjuba kontra tiegħu, u sewwa għamel, għax tenut kont ta’ dak li għamel, kien imissu jistħi kieku ipprova jazzarda jiddefendi ruħu b’xi mod. Dana apparti mill-fatt illi naturalment lanqas ma ġie avżat li seta’ jressaq il-provi, għax xorta kieku kien probabilment joħroġ b’valanga ċuċati li setgħu, se mai, jippeġġoraw is-sitwazzjoni tiegħu.

Fatturi mitiganti, fil-fatt, assolutament ma hemmx, u, fil-verità, dan il-Kumitat, li huwa prevenut kontrih u li naturalment beda u mexxa dan il-proċess bl-intenzjoni mill-bidu sal-aħħar li jsibu ħati, ma qgħadx iħabbel rasu f’dan is-sens. Meta inti ħati, ħati u daqshekk.

Ħtija tal-imputat allura tirriżulta b’mod lampanti u assolut u bla ebda ombra ta’ dubju u għalhekk jeħtieġ li din il-proċedura, li hija l-ewwel waħda ta’ dan it-tip, twassal għal kundanna eżemplari u kif jgħid il-popolin, “inċaqċquhielu sewwa”.

Madanakollu mhux per simpatija personali imma sempliċement għaliex l-imputat jaf jiġi utli f’ċerti attivitajiet fosthom ġarr ta’ oġġetti ingombranti u ġieli wera ruħu utli bħala ħabib, il-Kumitat ma jħossx illi, minkejja il-ħtija spudorata u fjammeġġjanti tiegħu, jista’ jemana kundanna sħiħa kif mitlub, speċjalment fir-rigward tar-raba’ talba għaliex kieku jgħaddi mill-Metodu Helmut Ducadam, imbagħad ma jkun jista’ jġorr xejn, b’dannu kbir għal kulħadd.

Jaqta’ għalhekk u jiddeċidi il-Kumitat tal Awtoritajiet illi, waqt illi jsib lill-imputat Mark Paul Briffa magħruf bħala “Craxi” ĦATI tal-akkużi kollha miġjuba kontrih, jikkundannah:

Għal sospensjoni ta’ sitt xhur minn kull attività sportiva, fl-usa’ sens, jiġifieri xejn FIFA, XBOX, Playstation u lanqas Chess;

Jippreżenta ruħu għand Ġanni ta’ Fotti nhar il-5 ta’ Awwissu, 2010, fit-830 ta’ filgħaxija, fejn, fil-presenza tal-players tad-Deportivo kollha, in-nisa tagħhom kif ukoll it-tfal, jiġi mgħoddi minn pubblika umiljazzjoni billi għas-serata kollha jiġi ikkunsidrat bħala “Round Table” umana, fejn ikollu joqgħod “on all fours”u jippreżenta daru f’forma ta’ mejda, fuq liema mejda jintqegħdu diversi pjetanzi għal min ħaqqu, waqt illi naturalment l-imputat ma jmissu xejn la mil-ikel u lanqas mix-xorb.

Bl-ispejjeż tal-ikla, u tal-ħasil tal-art jekk bħala mejda, l-imputat ma jikkomportax ruħu tajjeb.

It-terminu tal-appell minn din is-sentenza jibda jiddekorri mill-lum sa nhar it-Tnejn, 26 ta’ Lulju, 2010, fil-11 pm, bl-email u bi spjegazzjoni motivata ta’ għalfejn wieħed qiegħed jazzarda tant li jappella. Fil-każ malawgurat ta’ appell, naturalment, dana jinstema’ mill-istess Kumitat, kif identikament kostitwit.

(Firmat)

Il-Kumitat tal-Awtoritajiet

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Dangers of Facebook

It’s only recently that Facebook has finally given in to installing a “panic button” that should allow young, vulnerable browsers and users to alert the authorities whenever they perceive a danger. Facebook dangers are not only about paedophiles and sex-offenders though. There’s the risk of scavengers for information and personal data gaining access to your inner sancta sanctorum. Knowing how to manage the information that you make available on facebook is just as important as the panic button for youngsters.

One of the most common ways of gaining access to other peoples’ profile and photos is by creating a fake identity and then befriending people on facebook. Most people are flattered by a friend request and more so when the person in question looks rather “attractive” in his or her profile pic. Which is why probably more men fall for the add a friend bit than women. Men are suckers for what they assume to be another admirer. I was alerted to the activities of a supposed “Anne Borg” on facebook.

So I checked out Ms Borg. The profile photos aren’t exactly revealing – a single photo taken of a woman looking sideways – and a supposed location of Los Angeles (California). There’s little or nothing by way of clues and activity only a long list of friends. The usual suspects really. Semi-celebrities who might have been flattered by another “fan” and politicos – quite a few of those. Funny how nobody’s suspicion was piqued by a one photo character with the commonest surname in Malta and innocuous name living in LA. I was.

So I did an image search. An easy thing to do nowadays. Anne Borg’s photo turns out to be for sale on a professional photographers’ site. Here is Nathan Rupert’s site. Now check out Scream Daisy loving Anne Borg. You gotta love the anonymous fecker behind the site. The face doesn’t get as anonymously harmless than that.

"Anne Borg" on Facebook

"Anne Borg" by Nathan Rupert

There you go. Not so difficult to tell the fake from the real is it? So to all you who have gotten sucked in by this impostor don’t forget to unfriend asap (quick Bocca if you’re reading this … it’s not a fan it’s a stalker).

Some tips from another website about security awareness are in order:

  • Consider restricting access to your profile. If the site allows it, it’s a good idea to limit access to your profile. Don’t allow strangers to learn everything they can about you. It’s just not safe.
  • Keep your private information private. Never post your full name, Social Security number, address, phone number, financial information or schedule. These will make you vulnerable to identity thieves, scams, burglars, or worse.
  • Choose a screen name that is different from your real name. Avoid using any personal information that would help someone identify or locate you offline.
  • Think twice before posting your photo. Photos can be used to identify you offline. They can also be altered or shared without your knowledge.
  • Don’t post information that makes you vulnerable to a physical attack. Revealing where you plan to meet your friends, your class schedule, or your street address is almost an open invitation for someone to find you. Remember that a photo in front of the Co-op tells strangers you are in Austin, and quite likely at the university.
  • Use your common sense. If you are contacted by a stranger online, find out if any of your established friends know the person, or run an online search on them (after all, you can use these things to your own benefit too!). If you agree to meet them, make it in a public place and invite others to join you.
  • Trust your instincts. If you feel threatened or uncomfortable during an online interaction, don’t continue the dialogue. Report any offensive behavior to the social networking Web site administrators.
  • Be suspicious. Don’t take any information you receive from a new online contact at face value. The Internet makes it easy for people to say or do things they would never say or do in public or in face-to-face interactions. Protecting yourself is the smart thing to do.

BE PREPARED!!

This has been J’accuse. Snooping so you don’t have to.

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I.M. Jack : The Secular Post Edition

Gode di Immunità Ecclesiastica
The sponsors of the anti-divorce billboard erected by the Zebbug Parish are performing all sorts of cartwheels in order to make it clear that they are actually fence-sitters of the prime order and are neither for or against divorce. I guess it is important to know that Mega Tech of Mdina Road, Zebbug, fine purveyors of electronic gaming, have absolutely no opinion whatsoever in favour or against divorce though I am sure you could buy a copy of The Sims (check out the Guide to Marriage in the Sims at the end of this post) from the establishment – complete with married couples and all.

I like the way Jason Grech of Mega Tech used the smoking metaphor for an analogy as to why sponsors should not be associated with the message. Rothmans used to sponsor the football league, he says, but it does not mean that smoking is good for footballers. Bank of Valletta are into their tenth year of sponsoring the MFA’s premier league and we are inching towards legislation that bans advertising of cigarettes completely. That’s the thing about advertising Jason, it’s full of those irritating messages you can’t control. You should stick to the PLPN way – you give them the off the books bung and the Curia/Parish will give you a highway to heaven.

Apparently the church billboard did not need a permit because it fell under socio-religious classification which means it can be erected for 21 days without a permit. I wonder if some company is willing to sponsor the J’accuse Billboard that we could erect in Zebbug square for 21 days – it would state “God has no vote/ Alla m’ghandux vot”. Anonymous bungs accepted.

Tut Tut Flies and Aedes Albopictus

This is an Aedes albopictus female mosquito ob...

Image via Wikipedia

No new sightings have been made of the dangerous Asian Tiger Mosquito in Malta. The albino-like varmint had shaken a few feathers with two sightings in September and November. It is a carrier of such niceties as dengue and yellow fevers. Thankfully the committee specially appointed by the government for the search and destroy mission did not make any further sightings. What Malta is still full of is the local “tut tut” fly. People complaining endlessly about the heat (justified), prices (not entirely justified) and anything they can complain about in mid conversation. Speaking of mid-conversation, J’accuse spotted fellow a fellow Luxembourg dweller bravely wearing these pink crocs at the Embassy in Valletta.

crocs spotted at embassy

Driving Maniacs

There is absolutely no reason whatsoever why we should wonder at all the accidents happening this summer. How can you marvel when walking or driving involves exposing your self to manifest danger for life and limb. Students equipped with almost half a brain pop out at the most improbable of places to cross the road. Yesterday I risked a head on collision from behind in order to slow down for two absolute nincompoops who were crossing a dark road on Regional Road at Saint Andrew’s right at the blind corner after the lights at Jessie’s Bar (direction Qawra). If I was not risking a mad bus ramming my rented 107 I would have got out of the car and given them a good beating myself such was the anger they provoked with their nonchalant attitude towards safety.

Students living at the Coastline hotel are waiting for the lights to turn green before crossing. (Green for them not for the cars of course). Which does not mean that an accident will not happen there any time soon. It just takes one hair brained crosser or worse one of those arseholes who think that the coast road is Le Mans revisited and boom you have your “tilef il-kontroll tal-vettura” and “ghal xi raguni ma hix maghrufa” all over again. Bugger to all that. We should reintroduce impaling as a punishment for serious traffic offences.

Valletta & Paceville

The capital is getting nicer and nicer what with all the embellishments and road works. At least they are worth something ad maiorem popoli commoditatem unlike the cacophonic chaos that are the works in the streets of the suburb that never sleeps. Check out my funky snapshots of the city (on my facebook album). I enjoyed taking them with my little Nikon Coolpix. You’ve just gotta love the Public Convenience in Strait Street. I also managed to be in VLT at midday to witness the St George’s Square spitting to music thingy. Water bounced and jumped to Charles Camilleri.

I think I like what they’ve done to the square (whose surface looks like an Olly and Benjy football pitch) but it still will never justify the expenses that were dispensed for the launching concert. It’s benches, lampposts and a couple of water spitters. At least we can console ourselves that urban planners have finally discovered the pleasures of open spaces. Slowly, slowly.

***

Guide to Marriage in the Sims (from ask.com)

A gay proposal in The Sims (yes, it also means happy)

“The Sims” is a fun simulation that gets some parts of life right. We all get cranky if we don’t have enough fun, food, and rest. But when it comes to marriage, the game is very different.

Steps to Getting Married
Friendship is a requirement for Sims to get married. They have to have a relationship score of 70. Then it is safe to turn on the heat, by lots of kissing and hugging. The proposal action becomes available once the relationship score is met. In order for a proposal to be accepted, the potential spouse needs to be in a good mood. They can easily refuse the proposal just because they aren’t hungry or need to empty their bladder. Once you are sure they are in a good mood, then propose. But even then, nothing is guaranteed.
The Wedding

When the proposal is accepted the Sims will immediately have a wedding. They change into wedding clothes and that’s it!

After the Wedding
The visiting sim will move into the home adding their assets to the bank account. The last name of the Sim moving in is changed. Children of the new spouse will move in as well, except if there is another adult at the original home.

Divorce? New Spouse?
Once married, that’s it! No divorce for Sims. They can, however, marry other Sims. Each Sim can have multiple spouses. A male Sim could have 7 other wives living with him, as long as he proposed to each in his own home.

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Aleateia's "Loss"

It’s on next 25th and 26th July at Saint James’ Cavalier Theatre at 9pm. Both the producer (Simon Bartolo) and the actress (Antonella Axisa) are ex-Luxembourg residents (so it must be good). Scoot over to the Cavalier and make sure you don’t miss out on Aleateia’s latest gig. I’m tempted to say it’d be your loss but the pun is so weak you could beat it down with a goose’s feather.

Poster attached can be clicked upon for details (and a bonus photo of Antonella looking like a kid who just rummaged through mummy’s clothing).

LOSS---FINAL-WEB

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I.M. Jack – The Sweltering in the Sun Edition

The Holocaust Denier, the Creationist and other Twits

Normal Lowell has struck again. The inveterate hardliner has written a letter to the Malta Independent on Sunday in reply to a previous article about Auschwitz (Reflections on Auschwitz. My personal experience). Now Lowell being a very good player of the media limelight (as Lou Bondi does not seem to have noticed), he must be feeling rather eclipsed by all the other victims of the country’s draconian freedom of expression rules. What with the various Realtà’s and Stitching’s going around there seems to be no more place for good old fashioned fascist hogwash. What does Lowell do? He turns up the ante and goes for the kill. What better way than a Holocaust Denial – Blasphemy Combo?

Here’s Normal’s letter:

Reflections on Auschwitz
Stop being a gullible fool to Jewish lies. You are doing a great disservice to your readers by spreading the biggest lie since the Virgin Mary.
Educate yourself to the truth.
Norman Lowell
ATTARD

For starters I am not in favour of legislation against holocaust denial. It is an opinion on a historical fact that is equivalent to Creationist explanations about dinosaurs. It is a twisted opinion rooted in denial of fact, true, but still remains an opinion. Holocaust deniers should be free to voice their opinion if only to be outed as the absurd, ignorant twits that they really are. We could then tell the wheat from the chaff. If we were to simply legislate against a man having an opinion then we would be contradicting ourselves. Why not legislate against creationist theory then? Or against the whole Catholic Imposition movement against divorce?Now if Lowell were to do something to act upon his opinion – say desecrate a commemorative plaque in the country or spray paint on a synagogue or whatever then yes, by all means throw the Denier into jail.

But back to Lowell. He must be craving for the limelight again and since Lou Bondi is busy preparing a very intriguing Bondiplus about Mayan calendars and the end of the world on 12-12-12  (Divorce? Censorship? White Rocks? where’s everybody?) Lowell needed a new diversion. So he hit on a brainwave. Let us provoke both laymen (holocaust denial) and catholics (denial of Virgin Mary doctrine) in one. Bingo. And the die was cast.

While I believe that the provocation should be given as much attention as a Minister’s unveiling of some marble sign in Bubaqra it will be interesting to see whether the authorities that be are willing to give us an example of their consistent and uniform application of the law. After all if the law is equal for all then what applies to a Vella Gera and to a Neilson should, technically, apply to a Lowell.

Note to the TMIS editor. I am fully aware that I am advocating for a legal action to be taken against both the signatory of the letter as well as against the editor of the paper but it is purely out of a well intentioned quest to see whether there is an element of consistency in the application of the law on the island. Should, perchance, you end up in Kordin I will be willing to bring you both tea and biscuits as well as some interesting reading. Consider this as a tiny revenge for the title of last Sunday’s editorial. Yes, thirty-five years is indeed a long time but did I need reminding?

Food, Drink and Fun

A little update on the epicurean side of the holiday. The sea is incredibly beautiful in Malta. It may sound like a tautological statement but I am pleasantly surprised by the clarity of the sea and cleanliness. (n.b. Refers to all Comino Bays and Armier and Ghadira).

Foodwise I enjoyed the military Tmun (Mgarr) and his Asian Fried Calamari seemed divine (though I stuck with the Pagella). Terraces may be nice, picturesque and all that bla but as tweetbuddy Bocca confirmed nothing beats good old fashioned airconditioning in this heat.

Il-Lantern (Marsalforn) owned by the family of my childhood footballing buddy must surely churn out the best Rabbit Stew on the island (by far). It’s cooked by Rafel (the aforementioned footballing buddy) who braves the sweltering heat of the kitchen to give you a plate worthy of the gods. You get to eat in a very homely atmosphere, genuinely local and if you tarry long enough you might get involved in a tombola session – the rabbit stew though is divine (and I am told so is the pasta). No silver service but a pleasant platinum plate for the palate.

Finally I ended up at Cockney’s (Valletta)  yesterday for a Sunday evening meal and thoroughly enjoyed hogging through my second pagella of the holiday. One thing though – Italian white wines might be good (Glicine, Gavi di Gavi and all) but I’m quite sure that a Mosel Riesling or a Gewurztraminer would wed well with the fish and refuse to even contemplate a divorce. Stock up please

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J'accuse: "Forni Gate" and the Jazzy Ensemble

We finally made it to Malta and the excruciating heat (not much change there). An early morning three-hour drive and a damned stomach bug, which kicked off its effects from 4am, did not prevent us from getting onto the Malta-bound plane from Frankfurt. Funny how you can drive for three hours without a problem in Germany but have a very adventurous 20-minute trip from Luqa to Paceville, slipping back into cussing mode with self-drive rental car drivers.

All that Jazz

Having slept all afternoon on Thursday, I forewent the traditional first dip and only regained my senses in time to get to the jazz festival (on Thursday, missed the first acts though). It’s a well-organised festival of sound, mind you, and you could tell the enthusiasts from the hangers-on from a mile away. It all depended on how they twisted their face. The ones with their face screwed up in rigorous attention looking as though they would burst into orgasmic ecstasy following an epiphanic progression of notes and melodies were definitely the jazz buffs. They looked Sterner than Stern and would only occasionally switch to an appreciative swaying or clapping – most of the time the concentration on the deepest intricacies of this genre that grows on you (presumably like a wart but nicer) led them to bearing Lascaris-like faces.

Then there were the others whose faces were twisted as though in the eternal suffering of some recently scratched purgatory. Their expressions varied from “bring back the vuvuzela” to “who the hell gave those kids their toys and why do they have to practise on stage?” They gathered in inconspicuous circles and confessed to each other that they couldn’t quite fathom what the fuss for this ruckus was really all about, and concurred that if they could, they would revive the Hector Bruno eighties mass meeting act on stage as a merciful compromise.

I say “they” but surely (and shamefully) I should say “we”, for I must confess that I formed part of this ignorant clique whose presence could only be explained because they form part of the chain of junkies of all things remotely labelled as “cultural”. Yes, we were there because the event came with a ticket, the venue was naturally and historically spectacular and even the food on offer in the stalls was more than a few marks above the clichéd concert nosh. And we enjoyed it in spite of several notes and riffs and other such noises creeping up behind us as unexpectedly as a JPO Divorce Bill and releasing bursts of cacophonic ear-bell nauseating sounds. It was, in its own way, very emotional.

Forni Gate

We walked back to our legally parked car past Valletta Waterfront and I noticed a number of tourists still looking for an extension of their night out. The majority of the Waterfront shops had already gone into sleep mode. Where’s the fun in summer with bars closing at 12.30? Does a tourist not deserve a quiet cocktail on the Valletta waterfront in the silence of the early hours of the morning? Maybe not, but in any case my intention was not to complain about bar opening hours but rather to mention my linguistic discovery on the way to the Waterfront from Ta’ Liesse.

As we ambled from concert to car, taking in the latest developments in this area that is planned to receive thousands of tourists every year (maybe hundreds of thousands), we noticed, for example the “Magazzino” embarkation place for tourists. It fits very nicely into the surroundings and adds a nice touch to the foot of the bastions. Before the Magazzino though (I think) we passed one of the many gates serving the mooring posts by the port. The clear signage announced to anyone who cared to read it that this was… drum roll here… “Forni Gate”.

Now there’s an ironic gate for a tourist to walk through on arriving in Malta. A rather misleading encouragement I would say. Shouldn’t they add a postil or something? Something like “but not in public and definitely not in hotel rooms in case some MP or other develops a sudden interest in your private activities?” Even better we could add, “You might try but we care about this more than you would ever like to know”.

An international gate consisting of an imperative to copulate? OK, the word association made after a few hours of jazz-related disorientation is a bit childish but, hell – it is rather ironic, isn’t it? I’d heard of the Austrian town of “Fucking” (google it… I’m NOT making this up), I’d driven by the German town of “Katzen” and read of Titty Hill (England), Bald Knob (Arkansas) as well as Twatt (Scotland), but I was quite sure that the country that had opposed the acronym O.S.C.E. (rejected) would make sure that no such unfortunate slips would occur in its topography.

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Censored ships

Let’s face it. Were this any other time in our variegated history, the (childish, I repeat) issue of the unfortunate naming of a Valletta entrance (resulting from an Anglo Italian corroboration) would not be worth writing about. The combined effect of various moralistic issues being presented from the platform of hypocrisy and ingenuity does lend itself to parody and satire of the not too refined kind. As I type, a local paper reports that Anthony Neilson’s play Stitching has been awarded a 14 rating at the internationally famous Fringe Festival in Edinburgh. The hard-nosed protestant Scots (stereotype warning) will allow 14-year-olds to watch a play that was rated in Malta as being “unsuitable for any audience”.

Forget the criminal code. This is not a question of protecting the infants, is it? It is really a question of being unable to look outside the cave and beyond the shadows and reflections for fear of noticing that there is a whole world out there (and in here – though we cannot see it) that we cannot contemplate with our limited philosophy. I’m sorry if I have to harp on this matter for a second week, but surely we must realise how dangerous the path is that we have chosen to tread.

It’s the intolerant attitude that is absolutely flabbergasting. Forget penises in paintings in some art gallery in Gozo. The issue is much wider than that. The issue is that in this particular corner of the world there are people who would want to impose their life choices on others. It is not so much an issue of majority versus minority as it is an issue of crass interference. There is another ironic own goal to be registered here: the craving for legislation banning anything that goes against a particular set of morals also reflects an innate weakness in the bearers of such morals. What they are saying in effect is that if such things as provocative art or legislation to dissolve marriage contracts were available, then they would be too hard an attraction for them to resist. The solution? Ban them.

Summer politics

Which brings me back to the divorce question. I’ll set aside the detailed arguments for my blog. All I need to point out here (again) is that divorce should not even require any debate. The contradictions are that our two representative parties need to shuffle their legs and drag their feet while amusing us with musings of consultation peppered with quasi-fatwas of moralistic fervour. We will have a government that has no qualms regulating cohabitation while still opposing (at least in its majority) the introduction of divorce because of the deleterious effect it has on marriages.

We have a mad hot summer to discuss the possibility of divorce legislation ever happening. Some are already giving up as the ugly head of intolerant conservatism begins to bark and rant. I suggest we focus on a wider question – the very common line that runs through both the divorce and censorship issues. Are we really too scared to look in the mirror and see what we really are? Do we really want to bury our heads in the sand and continue perpetrating the myth of this “catholic nation”? There is nothing wrong with trying to be a catholic nation – if it were one that can proudly count among its citizenry a subset of people with a set of values that can only strengthen our social backbone then it is all well and good. I start to worry when the catholic fortress turns out to be a shambles that can only be saved (can it really?) through coercion and imposition of lifestyle choices on everybody else.

‘Bieb l-iFran’

It does not have the same ring does it? I kid you not though. Forni Gate does exist and you can snap your Facebook photo standing beside it on your next visit to the waterfront. This holiday has started quite well and I do not mean to be mean to the jazz enthusiasts – my lack of interest in the genre is surely my loss and not theirs. I’m looking forward to the next week of hot sun and sea back home and this weekend will start with a visit to the sister homeland, where J’accuse began.

www.akkuza.com wishes a happy feast to the Stilla crew in Victoria. Send creative snapshots of Forni Gate and we will publish them on the blog.

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